Playing Fair

Isn't it time for parents and coaches to remember what youth sports are really all about - having fun?

It used to be that when kids got the urge, they would get some friends together and play an impromptu game of baseball, soccer or basketball down at a local park or school field. No one really kept score and with all the good-natured fun going on, who won or lost didn't matter.

It was fun, and that was all that did matter.

But that was then. Increasingly, the fun has gone out of sports, especially organized youth sports.

Violent outbursts are now as common on youth baseball fields, basketball courts and soccer fields as they are on the set of "The Jerry Springer Show."

Consider, for example:

Whether the experience is enjoyable or anxiety filled is largely determined by two factors, according to Kamm - the quality of youth supervision and coaching, and the amount of pressure parents place on young athletes to perform.

"Youth sports can be a tremendous help to kids, providing opportunities for confidence - building, skill development and teamwork," Kamm said. "But it can also be an area for verbal, emotional or physical abuse, depending on the attitudes of the adults involved.

"It is noteworthy that, in a discussion of the harm or benefit of Little League and youth sports, it is the actions of adults, not children, that are deemed critical," Kamm pointed out. "It is unfortunate that the lessons that life is not fair and adults can't be trusted are often first learned through Little League."

Studies conducted by the National Youth Sports Coaches Association showed that nearly three out of four children in organized sports programs drop out between the ages of 8 and 13. The two most common reasons? The sport was no longer fun and players felt abused by their coaches.

"I've looked into the tear-filled eyes of far too m any youngsters over the years," said Fred Engh, president of the National Alliance for Youth Sports and author of the new book, "Why Johnny Hates Sports: Why Organized Sports are Failing Our Children and What We Can Do About It" (Avery Publishing). "Kids turn their backs on sports because someone said they weren't good enough, or because they were scolded for dropping a ball, making a mistake or losing a game.

"Sports are the greatest tool we have in today's society to help children develop positive character traits and life values. But when the focus shifts from what is best for young participants to what's best for others, that is when major problems begin."

Hiring coaches for young players is no longer unheard of. Sending youngsters to specializes sports camps is routine. Longer and longer practices - regardless of weather conditions - now seem part of the game.

"The problem today is that youth sports is no longer just a game, it's big business that 30 million youngsters are playing," said Southern California youth sports psychologist Darrell J. Burnett, author of "Youth, Sports & Self Esteem: A Guide for Parents" (Master Press), "And it's the parents and coaches who are making it that way."

Instead of helping a child improve his or her performance, parents become focused on winning, according to Kamm.

"They think success is winning," Kamm said. Success is really giving one's best effort and striving to achieve one's goals and exceed one' s goal. Success is not surpassing others."

But why?

"Some parents were athletes themselves and want their child to be as least as good, if not better, " Kamm said. "Some parents weren't good athletes and thy want their child to become what they weren't. And in its worst form it become a syndrome called "achievement by proxy" where the child is a little more than an extension of a parent and the parent totally lives vicariously through the child."

And what of those over-the-top coaches?

"Unfortunately coaches get swept up in the professional model," Kamm said. "They see the uniforms and the bats and the names like Mets and Phillies and subconsciously think of themselves as Bobby Valentine or Joe Torre. They begin to relate to the kids like professional coaches relate to their players."

But there are changes being made.

Last month the Jupiter-Tequesta Athletic Association in Jupiter, Fla., held the nation's first mandatory sportsmanship training program for parents. It outlined what is appropriate behavior so that parents clearly understood their roles and responsibilities in the youth sports environment.

"Parents are losing their perspective," Jeff Leslie, president of the JTAA said at the meeting. "We just want to try to de-escalate the intensity that is being shown by the parents at these games."

And there was bite behind the program. Children whose parents did not attend the event are not allowed to participate in JTAA programs.

"This type of program is way overdue," Burnett said. "Guidelines are needed to spell out very specifically what is acceptable behavior - and what is unacceptable.

"The message that is given to player when guidelines are implemented is that we will treat you with respect and we will not humiliate you," Burnett said. "When that happens, the game is given back to the players."

To prevent what he calls "Little League Parent Syndrome," Kamm said that parent's and children's motives should be aligned, and at the top of each agenda should be fun, skill development and making friends.

When it comes to coaches, parents should inquire whether their community leagues have review panels to assess complaints or incidents of abuse.

And if parents see a problem with a coach, they should address it immediately - in a nonconfrontational manner.

According to Kamm, it's always a good ideal to talk to the coach outside of practice and come from an "I'm feeling" stance.

"If you say, 'I feel that Johnny is taking what you're saying the wrong way, ' you're not directly criticizing," Kamm said. "In most cases, you can then have a dialogue with the coach."

And at the very heart of the matter, Kamm and others said, is that youth sports is supposed to be a fun experience, a learning experience, a team experience.

"At the end of a season, a child should feel he has mastered some new skills," Kamm said. "That's what the 6 to 10 year old time of life is all about - learning and mastering new skills. Parents and coaches need to remember that."

By Patti Martin
Asbury Park Press
Home & Family
Thursday, March 30, 2000


5 things your kids say they don't want

Parent's pre-season checklist

Reflect on why you want your child to play this particular sport this season. Put a checkmark next to the three most important reasons. Then rank those three reason 1, 2 and 3, putting a 1 next to your most important reason, a 2 next to the 2nd most important reason, and so on. Compare your choices with your child's and with your spouse/partner's. Discuss openly and with respect and curiosity, any differences that come up.

* I want my child to have a team experience __________
* I want my child to be with their friends __________
* I want my children to make new friends through the sport __________
* I want my child to improve his / her skills __________
* I want my child to learn new skills __________
* I want my child to have fun __________
* I want my child to have excitement __________
* I want my child to get some exercise __________
* I want my child to get in shape __________
* I want my child to compete against others __________
* I want my child to be challenged __________
* I want my child to learn to deal with losing __________
* I want my child to win __________
* I want my child to develop self-confidence __________
* I want my child to be become a champion __________
* I want my child to be popular __________

The parent's checklist should be filled out before the child begins playing a sport. The answers should be compared with the child's checklist and the differences should be discussed.

Child's pre-season checklist

Think about why you want to play a sport this season. Put a check mark next to the three most important reasons, then put a "1" next to your most important reason, a "2" next the second most important reason and a "3" next to the third.

* I want to be a part of a team __________
* I want to be with my friends __________
* I want to make new friends __________
* I don't have any special reason, I just want to try it __________
* I want to improve my skills __________
* I want to learn new skills __________
* I want to have fun __________
* I want to do it for the excitement __________
* I want to get some exercise __________
* I want to get into shape __________
* I want to compete against others __________
* I want to be challenged __________
* I want to win __________
* I want to become a champion __________
* I want to be popular __________
* I want to please my parents __________